Dragonfly's Journey

August 16, 2009

2009-08-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

My mom took the children to the early morning mass at the Catholic Church, St. Teresa. Right after the mass, there was a small festival going on in Bodega that my mom and my children went to find out what was going on there. There were a few vendors and a parade with the old fashioned fire trucks. I stayed home to continue to rest before going to the apple fair. It was a good timing that when they got back, I just barely woke up with nasty cough that lasted five minutes. It took me a while to get ready. I was so eager to go so it was a drag to cough…the cough really does wear me off. Every coughs I have affect any movement or plans that I might have. Off we went to the apple fair but first we had to pick up our family friends, Perry and his granddaughter Shannon at the hotel and then went to get some cash. Finally we got to the apple fair. It was not so bad that the fair was filled with a quite amount of people and vendors. I spent few bucks on goodies such as beautiful necklace, lavender sachets, lavender incenses and some sweets such as apple fritters and apple sun tea. My dear friend, Robb met us at the fair to join us in the fun. There is one thing I need to say here: I think I make the best apple butter. I swear it and it was very strange to claim that my apple butter had better flavor than their apple butter had. When it was time to go, my mom wanted to take our family friends to my house in Forestville and I didn’t really want to go because I was already getting tired. Robb invited me to go home with him and I did while my mom took Perry, Shannon and my children to the Forestville house then later to the hotel to go swimming. Robb and I ordered pizza for dinner which was great except that I had to remove the pepperoni that was too spicy for me. When we got home, I went straight to bed after taking my medications. It was kinda amazing how such little activity can tire me out. That’s because my energy is going towards healing and from the medications too. There is something else that I also noticed---my face is now riddled with rash. I’d call them “chemo rash” or “chemo pimples”, not so quite the same as regular acne we all have. They are quite painful that I couldn’t touch them to cleanse with acne solution. Another thing to notice---my eyebrows are the last to go…the hair is slowly falling off strand by strand daily. It would be very interesting to see what look I’d have without my eyebrows. Probably nothing different.

August 15, 2009

2009-08-18T18:40:00.002-07:00

Our family friends, Perry and his granddaughter arrived from southern California in the evening. They were driving all day long while I was taking a nap. Then we met them for dinner and I had a great appetite---a plate of spicy enchiladas. It was unfortunate that I just realized that I can no longer have any spicy foods due to the mouth sores. I also ordered a virgin pina colada even though how bad I wanted tequila in my drink but I just took a pain pill prior to the dinner. It was really really nice that we got to get out of the house and have a good dinner together. Again it was unfortunate that I forgot to take my other medications because I didn’t think that we would be gone more than four hours. It was a lesson I learned and that I was coughing so hard. When we got home, I went to sleep early for I needed a lot of rest for tomorrow’s day event. The Gravenstein Apple Fair has been something that we all looked forward to going for weeks.

August 14, 2009

2009-08-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

I was having a great day today with my mom. We went to my house in Forestville waiting for the PGE guy to fix my bedroom’s French door but never showed up so we ended up cleaning up the living room in preparation for my neighbor, Adam to do the texture job on the walls and ceiling in the living room, hallway, bathroom and my bedroom. I can hardly wait for it to be done so I could paint in color. We had a great lunch at a Chinese restaurant after we went to Home Depot to buy some supplies for my neighbor who is going to do the wall/ceiling texture. After we picked up the kids at the summer camp, they had fun as it was their last day of the summer camp. They will be starting school next week at Salmon Creek. My children were invited to their friend’s birthday party later in the evening. Oh by the way, I finally got to get my tomato plants growing by using the Miracle grow stuff. I never gave up on them and I can hardly wait for them to produce delish tomatoes for us.

August 13, 2009

2009-08-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Still slept pretty much all day and the weather was unusually warm that I was not even bothered by it. We were visited by my nino (my godfather and my mom’s cousin), Uncle Gary, Aunt Marian and Steven again in the evening and we had dinner that was brought by them. It was so nice of them to bring dinner so my mom wouldn’t have to cook or clean up. We had a nice conversation and the children had a great time with them outside riding their bikes on the street with Steven. They took lots of pictures of us and I hope to receive some of them from them.

August 12, 2009

2009-08-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report except a scary episode---I was nearly choking and was so pooped that I slept all day from feeling terrified and coughed so much that I may end up going to the hospital or something to get the pills out of my throat. In the evening, my nino (my godfather and my mom’s cousin), Uncle Gary, Marian (his wife) and my cousin, Steven whom I haven’t seen for almost 15 years. We talked briefly...not so long because I was still poopy from the choking episode earlier.

August 11, 2009

2009-08-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

Maleika came over to visit and bought us Hawaiian lunch then gave my mom some clothes to mend for her and played one game of scrabble. Gosh…we finally found a good player that doesn’t use 3-letter words on the game. My mom and I love a good challenge. It is about time that we found someone to play with. The more players the more fun the game will be. Kiva (her son) stayed with us to play with my kids while Maleika went home to pack for her trip to Oregon. Maleika became an ordained minister. How exciting for her!! She also brought some torn clothes that needed to be mended by my mom so she could wear them in Oregon.

August 10, 2009

2009-08-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Not a thing to report except that I had a weird dream during my nap. I was dreaming that the bee flew into my mouth then I slowly woke up to find that there was a bee swimming in my juice nearby. Was it a warning or just to let me know that the bee needed my help to get it out of the juice? I was pretty pooped from coughing so hard last night and this morning that I slept until 1pm.

August 9, 2009

2009-08-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing exciting to report except that Josh was to spend the night with his mama and he was absolutely happy!!!

August 8, 2009

2009-08-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today was Oreo’s vaccination appointment but no Oreo to be found. Kids on a kitty patrol, looking for Oreo who was hiding under my mom’s car. Afterwards, we headed out to Oreo’s appointment and meanwhile, the children were looking at the birds, mice, some kittens and some dogs getting groomed by several professionals. I wanted to go to a store where they were having sale on some kitchen appliances such as food processors and mixers. I ended up acquiring a new waffle iron, a food processor and a smaller microwave. On the way home, we stopped at the strawberry farm to get more strawberries to make more jam. This time, my mom made better jam but it was kinda thicker. Nevertheless, it was much better than the last time I made which was too watery and syrupy.

August 7, 2009

2009-08-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today is Josh’s day to be with his mama after he asked to stay home with me. He didn’t want to go to the summer camp with his brothers and sister. He just wanted to be with his mama alone. He was very emotional last night because he didn’t win any prize from the Sonoma-Marin Fair game booths with his ten dollars for his mama. He has been troubled by the fact that I have illness that may or may not be cured…I refused to give any false hope to my children. I wanted to be honest with my children from the start so they would understand what was happening to this family in their own way and time. For sure, they know that their mama loves them very very much and will always be there for them no matter what. Josh is the second born son taking this harder than the others so he made himself to grow up too soon and be a man of the house. My little white man who is always serious about the responsibilities with sense of humor but at times…he is just too serious when he doesn’t have to be too serious about anything.

He helped me making apple pie by peeling apples for me while I made the pie crust. He sampled a slice of apple pie and declared that I made the best apple pie ever. He was such a sweet boy today for being himself around his mama. We spent time together alone and he absolutely loved it. He had his mama all to himself for the day. We talked a bit and he kept asking me if he could sleep with me but I hesitated due to my coughs in the middle of the night. Not wanting to sound selfish to him so I told him maybe that I would think about it and was concerned that I might wake him up.

August 6, 2009

2009-08-06T18:54:00.001-07:00

Last night, I stayed up watching a good movie until almost two am but the full moon lured me to go outside to witness the most beautiful moonlight shining through the clouds. Every now and then, the moon would show up whenever the clouds moved away from the moon. It was at its brightest and it was telling me again that everything is going to be fine. I wish I could feel this way everyday. Just to have the burning faith daily without breaking down so easily that I’d cry after the thoughts come into mind that require my answers. Surely I don’t have any but to tell myself that I will be definitely okay and will beat this Melvi’s ass outta my life so she wouldn’t control me and my life. I need to focus not only the details but the details of my faith, survival skills and positive attitude with my loved ones. The less I focus on the details, the less it owns me. Everything will be okay.

Today my mom took the children to the Sonoma-Marin County Fair to have some good thrills on the rides. I would have loved to go but I wouldn’t feel too comfortable exposing myself to too many people when I am going through aggressive chemotherapy. I want to be on the safe side and take care of myself…there is no such a place for me to lay down in case I’d get tired or sit my ass on the toilet for hours. Here I am trying to finish the last two weeks of blog…

August 5, 2009

2009-08-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

I had this burning anger all day and it just decided to show up without my permission. I was pretty listless and anxious to find something to do before I break down which is seldom in my nature to do so in the front of my family. I’ve always stayed and looked strong in the front of everybody. I have always survived and I do not have any room for the give up attitude in my vocabulary. So I decided to make some bath bombs and went shopping for Halloween goodies in the Victorian catalog. The bath bombs turned out to be little weird but we will find out if it was made right in 36 hours.

Later in the day, I decided to watch the TV and it may have not been a good idea to watch my favorite program, Bones. It showed many things about death. It made me wonder about me and my prognosis. I began questioning in silence and then I grew more fearful that it will happen to me after watching the show while I watched my kids walking back and forth in the living room across from me. How young they are! Four of them who still need their strong mother who always loved to have fun with them and have always been there since they were born. Here I am sitting my ass on the bed feeling tears trailing down on my face not knowing what to say or talk about with the children. I grew more fearful once again so I asked my mom to come down to sit down and talk with me. She said it was okay that I felt this way…many phases of emotions and it is healthy. I know that I have been very positive about the whole thing but every now and then, the negative emotions creep into my heart and mind whenever I question it. Why is it happening to a young mother with four children and a new house waiting for us? That made me so angry and I also don’t have any answer to my little ones’ questions but to keep saying that I love them very very much and that I will always be there for them no matter what. Oh there are so many things why I am so damn angry about….

August 4, 2009

2009-08-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I want to talk about my mom. She is the most wonderful mom anyone who could ever have. I am so lucky to have her but it makes me very sad to watch her in silence that she has to do everything for me when it is supposed to be my full responsibility to take care of my little ones and other simple tasks. She even massaged my back again this morning. Sometimes I just wished that my friends or family members would come over and kidnap my mom to take a break or come over to help her to clean up the house or something once in a while. I try to build up some strength and energy to help her out…by doing some things for her then I’d just be so damn wiped out too easily.

August 3, 2009

2009-08-06T18:33:00.002-07:00

I noticed that my tummy has the looks of the Gladiator warrior’s tummy. Hard and rippled like a bodybuilder. Hee Hee!!! I wonder if I’d still have the tummy by next summer that all the girls would be envious of and that I never had a tummy tuck from having four babies at the same time. Wink! It is not the good way to have a flat tummy. So painful and ongoing that I wondered when I’d stop coughing for good. That is all from the hard coughs since Saturday. Maleika came over to give me a good back massage especially around the shoulder area where it felt like it was out of socket. My sweet boys picked many pink flowers and surprised me with them while I was having the massage.

The most highlighted part of today was that I received a care package from my dear friend, Robb’s mom, dad and sister. From them, I got some wonderful scented goodies from my favorite store in Claremont and his sister knitted me a very soft cap for me to wear during the nights. The owner of that store even threw in a couple of scented bath salts. She remembered me when I was a teenager buying her wonderful scented bath stuff on my every pay day.

August 2, 2009

2009-08-06T18:33:00.001-07:00

I slept all day while the kids were at Maleika’s then the boys came home with their bikes and overnight bags. Danielle was kidnapped by Maleika and Dan to watch a movie with Sevita. Diego went riding his bike with his friends up on the street from the house while the others were watching Scooby-do movies all day long up in their grandma’s bedroom. I have been coughing so hard and endlessly that I hurt so much. I asked my mom about the differences between the painkillers, Norcos and Vicodins. Which was stronger? My mom also gave me a good long back massage including the shoulder area.

August 1, 2009

2009-08-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

I had a surge of energy. Oreo’s shot appointment was a wrong day and it was next Saturday so we ended up having an early lunch at Jack in the Box then headed back home. Oreo is one of my cats. :) Maleika took the kids for an over night stay. I made chocolate pudding trifle and Chinese dinner which came out okay. I was having back ache---very painful from coughing too hard today.

July 31, 2009

2009-08-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

My 2nd chemo day and was a long day due to new additional chemo and antibiotic as well as lab booboos. Rose took the kids because we didn’t know what time the chemo will be done and we came home very late---almost 7pm.

During my chemo, I finally gathered up my courage to tell my stepdaughter who was the last person on the earth about the cancer. I didn’t want to tell her earlier because she was going to school and I was worried that she might stop the entire class to break down and come up here to help me. To my surprise, she took the news pretty well and I only hope that she doesn’t tell anyone who might have told her dad. She is planning to come to visit on August 15th with her husband. It would be nice to see my little girl again and that she sees her little sister and brothers. She is going to bring her tricks she learned from school on my mom, me and my kids by doing our feet, hands and hair except me of course. J

July 30, 2009

2009-08-06T18:30:00.001-07:00

Today was the day for a treatment plan and verdict meeting to discuss the therapy with new remedy. Eddie left to go back home. I officially have mucinous adenocarcinoma which seems to be located in my lungs and lymph nodes. It’s an aggressive chemo to get Melvi who is a rare form and unknown. I went ahead without any hesitation to get rid of her so she won’t own my life. I may be more tired and hurting but got more meds though to make it more tolerable. Meanwhile, he ordered a PET scan and Bone scan last week, these are special tests kind of like x-rays but they give me an IV of radioactive stuff in my veins which will show up any cancer cells. No cancer in my bones! Both test results came back with no new cancer anywhere else but it is still where it started and the lumps are getting smaller and softer! Whew! By the time I saw the cancer doctor again, he had a chance to review all the blood tests and urine tests. Everything is normal in blood, urine and no spreading of the cancer. So the cancer has not metastasized. Keep the prayers coming.

The second round of Chemo he added a drug which is an antibody to protect me from catching anything and that will make the Chemo work better and keep me from getting "immune suppressed' like a cold, pneumonia, etc.

July 29, 2009

2009-08-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

Eddie came over with the boys, Matthew, James and Adam. Eddie took some pictures of me and him together and some by myself

July 26, 2009

2009-08-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

The kids were invited to their friend’s birthday party and they had a great time. I had quite a few visitors today with a couple of bouquets of beautiful flowers and an unexpected hairy company---Rose’s new puppy, Lucas. I slept all day while the kids were partying with their friends.

July 10, 2009

2009-07-29T21:16:00.001-07:00

Time to live in the moment. Not the past or future; only the now. ~ Quoted by my dear friend, Maleika.

I am now embarking on a new journey - into the unknown. Not into the darkness, because I will be surrounded by loved ones and many networks of support. To battle a cancer called Mucoid Carcinoma. My mom will post information here on this type of cancer as soon as she can. I was sick for over two months with an ear infection, and a sinus infection. Then with asthma, then lastly, with pneumonia with lumps on my neck and underarm pit. The medications weren't helping me to get better.

The doctors ordered x rays, blood work and CAT scans, which showed lumps in my lungs. It was originally thought that I had Hodgkin's Disease until I had the biopsy, which was last Monday, I had surgery to remove the lump from my underarm pit and sent the tissue to San Francisco Kaiser Cancer Department. It is a cancer officially called Mucoid Carcinoma. Right now, we do not know where it came from yet. From breasts or lungs, or both?

On July 10th, the battle has begun...I began my first round of chemotherapy. It lasted seven hours. I survived a brief moment of sheer terror because it [“It” being the whole situation] finally sank in. But I banished it quickly...I want to stay positive about the whole thing. Yes it is and will be very hard. I slept right through it. I am now a drug addict...loving the needles, better drugs, chemo, appetite stimulants, nausea and constipation relievers, diarrhea relievers, benadryl, very excellent cough syrup, herbs (good and bad ones), who knows what else?? I used to hate taking them, was a former worst pill taker. They are my friends now; to help me get better. I ain't going to worry about the loss(es) I will have in a few weeks. That will be told later when the time comes.

The prayers, support, encouragement, faith, love and positive healing vibes from all of you will be so much appreciated. I know that I will – I MUST beat this. It is not easy for me to post this as it is so freaking new to me and my wonderful children; to my family, friends and new people...not easy at all. I just need a lot of support, encouragement and most of all, laughter - any type. There is one thing or two I despise: Pity and different treatment [ie: Treating me differently now because of my situation or trying to pretend that I am not sick]. On my next blog, I will be more emotionally and mentally equipped to continue to update as much as I can. My new motto is the above quote. "Time to live in the moment, not past or future, only the now”. I will not question it, for I will not get any answer but my own. Accept, face and beat it is my answer.

So I look forward to facing the most challenging battle ever with renewed energy, positive energy, sheer determination, strength, faith and belief. Most of all, it is all of you who will be there in every step of the way with me on my journey. Including my little ones, my mom and my brother. Please do not hesitate to share your thoughts, comments, research, advice, anything including jokes. I love to laugh and it is the best medicine as well.

All of my love,
Lisa

July 25, 2009

2009-07-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those chemo PMS days. I noticed that the pissflap’s hair is starting to fall off. I woke up with a pimple on my nose---I felt like a little bit of human again but still having self pity moments. Kids were not speaking in complete sentences and that irritated me to no end. Isaac is now isolated due to coughs and has to be kept away from me.

July 24, 2009

2009-07-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

I slept and was hurting a lot with a lot of shit (probably nothing) on my mind. Going back and forth to Santa Rosa this past week was very tiresome on the both of us (me and my mom). I started to crotchet a hat for myself and found an unusual yarn for the hat among many things in the boxes at my house. The hat might look like an ostrich’s head. It is hairy brown yarn.

July 23, 2009

2009-07-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Bone scan day…I had to go to the radiology to get a radiation injection then waited for 3 hours so we went shopping again for birthday gifts and got a half box of delicious strawberries from a farmer. I had a sudden surge of unusual energy burst that I made screwed up strawberry jam after we got home but will call them homemade strawberry syrup.

July 22, 2009

2009-07-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

We dropped off the urinal container; blood work---at least 10 tubes. I was little anxious about the blood results because I was told that I may need an adjustment in my medications and/or need new medication. I was trying not to get my hopes up or down by trying not so hard to control what is happening. I went to shopping with mom. Kids went to bowling today for the first time and they scored very well.

July 21, 2009

2009-07-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

I rested and slept. After I had a bath, the 1/3 of my hair is now gone and I started to weep because it was unexpected. Too soon. Pasty came over to shave it all off. Mom clean shaved later because I didn’t like the look of it with little bit of hair on some areas. I either looked like as if I were scalped by Mohawk Indians or a concentration camp prisoner. A very interesting to have a new hair-do and it will take some time to get used to. I am a baldie now. I will have to get some suntan on my scalp because it doesn’t match my skin color. Too white! It was sorta a quiet day…needed to give myself a sufficient time to process what’s happening to me.

July 20, 2009

2009-07-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

I had appointments with PGE and surgeon. My cats left me a present…mouse discovery---ugh!! I decided to buy new bikes for the kids. One of many milestones for them. Danielle didn’t want to grow up too soon due to the lack of training wheels so she will wait for her Uncle Eddie to help her to ride her bike.

July 19, 2009

2009-07-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had many visitors in one day. A heightened smell sensory was noticed in the early morning. The sun was in already and I was having my coffee. I thought I was sniffing something fishy in the air. What first came into my thought---a mermaid’s fufu. Unbelievable to think like that but it sure smelled very fishy out there. The tide was low and I guess all the sea animals were struggling to find some watery covering before the seagulls swooped down to catch and eat them.

July 18, 2009

2009-07-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Another shitty day!! Just like last Saturday. Ugh!!! I am wondering if it is going to be like every Saturday to be constipated. I think it is worse than having diarrhea. Felt like giving a birth to a bunch of bricks. I was counting pennies before putting them in the coin rolls and saved pennies with wheat symbols for the future. I was also having an hour of self-pity by sitting outside staring at nothing. Mind does great things, eh? Creative imaginations were in the making. With clear conscious, I was naming the shapes of the clouds in the blue sky. The frog, a goldfish with bug eyes and belly and a head of chicken were the shapes I saw in the fluffy and white clouds passing by. I rarely did that only whenever I am in a unique situation that’d change/affect the ways of thinking, emotions and mental. I was exploring the world around me with new eyes and heightened sensory. Vivid colors, gentle ripple of the bay’s tide, birds, seagulls, bees, dragonflies and hummingbirds flying all around me. Bright colored flowers are almost about to bloom fully. I seemed to be having some kind of spiritual transformation. It was telling me that I will be definitely okay and that everything will go beautifully whether I’d have good and bad days in ahead of me.

July 17, 2009

2009-07-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

A PET scan appt in Richmond. Pegi babysat the kids…bless her heart. I slept right through the PET scan because I took valium for my anxiety in case of claustrophobia. The puke episode occurred at the restaurant because I was instructed not to eat since last night and took all those medications prior to the PET scan appointment. Boy! I tried not to puke on anyone all the way to the back of the restaurant. Hee Hee! It was a nice trip for a change. The appointment was in Richmond near San Francisco. I was exploring the hills, cows, sheep and the beauty of rolling grass and trees on the way. Too bad that Richmond was a reminder of the city in Southern California and it was not pretty just to shop or eat a good lunch. So we ended up in San Rafael which was a nice town and we walked a bit before we had a lunch at the Crepe Restaurant which was fabulous.

July 16, 2009

2009-07-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

The Monster Discovery after my good long bath…this monster (cancer lump under my armpit) will now be known as Melvi whose ass will be kicked daily. As I proceeded to shave those hairy armpit and one of them had this ugly ass ball sticking its tongue at me because I was unable to shave or stare at it. I looked away from it as I started to feel the anger and sadness. Melvi will be sorry for entering into my body and tries to get me so sick that she thinks that I can’t do any shit in my life. So I will beat the crap outta Melvi until she is gone and whether she likes it or not, I will continue to live my life as much as I can despite the feeling of wiped out, sleepiness or an inability to think straight thanks to the chemo that fried some parts of my brain.

July 15, 2009

2009-07-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

What an excellent day with many good hours, the kids went to summer camp, my stepdaughter last person on the earth to know and starts to irritate me about my health and for my permission to visit in August. I don’t know…mixed emotions to my ex and she is a major pipeline of information to him. Now I got the Living Will and Power of Attorney done…perhaps in time, I will let Chanel know about my decisions. Just don’t feel like dealing with her dramatic negative emotions if she can’t handle once she finds out.

July 14, 2009

2009-07-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

I slept a lot with little appetite, and the kids went to summer camp. Maleika came over to give me a massage with new techniques which were WONDERFUL and out of experience. Joan came over to be with us and brought the hat for me to try on. I didn't like it because of the pathetic blue color. It just irritated me. It felt like a pity color. It was not directed towards Joan who was so sweet to bring me and try it on so I wouldn't feel too bad about being baldness soon.

July 13, 2009

2009-07-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

I slept a lot with little appetite, and the kids went to summer camp. Nothing fancy to post...

July 12, 2009

2009-07-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

I slept a lot, little appetite. Slept, slept and slept…playing with computer, staring at nothingness, popping candies (pain killers) and drinking cough syrup to the last drop.

July 11, 2009

2009-07-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

What a shitty day! Felt like as if I were plugged up in the ass. It was not a good morning for me because I spent hours in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. I refused to be apologetic to any visitors. But my dear friend, Robb was waiting outside patiently while I was moaning and groaning. L Finally toilet paper roll after toilet paper rolls---I was so relieved to get out of the bathroom to start the day all over again. I went outside to enjoy the sunshine with Robb and we talked about getting some things done for me. The tea bag…Maleika and Dan came by to drop off my kids who spent the night at their house. We enjoyed chatting; and I was loving and petting their new puppy, Gypsy. A beauty for Malibu breed dog.